Happy Birthday Katherine Clapner

by Steven Doyle

It is the Queen of Chocolate’s birthday today. Katherine Clapner will most likely be celebrating with chocolate in true Dude, Sweet fashion, but we have a few ways not to celebrate her birthday. With bad chocolate. Below we provide a list of the worst chocolaty treats you could possibly imagine. Some do not even truly qualify as chocolate. For a real celebration we suggest checking out one of three Dude, Sweet Chocolate stores in DFW, including the new location on Greenville Avenue.

When this cereal first hit the market some yuckster who markets this stuff locally thought it would be entertaining to send us a few boxes. We were delighted by the similarity of names, but after our first bite knew it would not be a product we could endorse. The first bite left an extreme oily film on the roof of our mouths, and weighed heavy for the rest of the day.  Nothing else needs to be said.

Another namesake which we received a sample of some time ago. The Crave liqueur is actually not that bad, but the only chocolaty booze we have ever actually enjoyed has been the stuff Dude, Sweet batches up. Try the One Night Stand on your waffles in the morning with a largish scoop of freshly whipped cream.

Nothing like a little pestilence  with your chocolate for an after dinner treat. Avoid the Golden Corral chocolate fountain unless you enjoy the flavor of children’s fingers, and that nutty taste of your mechanic’s knuckles.  Chocolate fountains are simply a bad idea. Is there such thing as a bacon fountain? Now that we would support.

Did you know that the average American chocolate bar has only 4 to 10% chocolate in it? According the FDA guidelines milk chocolate must contain at least 10 percent chocolate liquor and 12 percent milk solids to meet the US standard of identity. This is enough to really piss off George Costanza.

At one point in all of our lives someone most likely attempted to pull the carob scam on us. It is a lie possibly perpetuated by the same guy who pulled off the alien scam for the government in Area 51.  There are aliens, and carob is not chocolate.

Happy birthday, Katherine.