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Ask Toni: The Modern Ultimatum

Photo by Steve Visneau

Toni,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years, and I don’t think we’re anywhere near getting engaged.  My 29th birthday is right around the corner, and I always thought I’d be married by now.  I don’t know how my boyfriend feels about things, but I definitely don’t want to waste time anymore if he’s not the one.  How can I bring this up to him without making him feel pressured?

Ticking Tammy…

Tammy,

Why are women still giving men the power over their destiny?

First off–it’s so important to be honest in the beginning of a relationship.  You need to tell them what your expectations are for the future.  It sounds a little forward, but trust me you don’t want any surprises later.

Example: I’d like to be married by the time I’m 30, and eventually have children. How do you feel about marriage and children?

I’m guessing the two of you never had this conversation, but don’t sweat it.  There’s always now.  Be honest about your feelings, in a nonconfrontational manner.

Try this: “Babe, I love you and we have a great relationship, but I don’t want to date forever.  I’d like to make sure that we’re on the same page, so, what are your thoughts about marriage?”

His answer will fall into one of three categories: “I can see us getting married,” or “I’m not sure,” or “I don’t think I’m the marrying type.”

If he tells you, “he’s not the marrying type,” then run, don’t walk.  He’s saying loud and clear there’s a 99.9% chance he’s not marrying you.  Don’t become the woman that hangs on to hope, then eventually bitterness.

However, if he doesn’t give you the answer you desire, but he’s still open to marriage, give him the “MODERN ULTIMATUM.”

It goes something like this: “We’ve started something wonderful, but I need to make sure my needs are met too.  I’m at the point in my life where I want to be seriously dating someone with husband potential.  There’s a reasonable timetable in my mind, and if we don’t move forward, then it’ll be time to move on.”

 The vague timeframe eliminates pressure, but lets him know you’re serious.  Once you’ve given him the MU, drop it.  The thing men hate more than anything is nagging.  But men are NOT mind readers.  Subtle hints won’t do the trick.  Lastly, be prepared to back up the MU with actions and not just empty promises.  When it’s your time to go, be a lady and walk out that door.

Most guys inherently feel they’re the captains of the relationSHIP.  Today’s a new day, grab hold of the wheel and charter your own voyage!

Luck & Love,

Toni


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