The Modern Douchebag Quiz


I have a habit of picking the wrong guys and by the time I realize it, a year has gone by.  I don’t trust myself anymore nor do I want to bother my friends with interviewing every new guy I meet.  Do you know a way I can shorten the interview process and stop wasting years on guys that don’t deserve my time?

Broken Picker   


As a matter of fact, I do.  I initially created this test for some of my close friends, but this proven loser-detector needs to be shared with all the Broken Pickers out there. 

So for all my single Crave Girls, when in doubt take The Douchebag Quiz

The quiz includes nine telltale questions with brief explanations.  This isn’t just some crazy-bitch nonsense, this is actual research gathered from reputable sources from over the years.  Mark the signs that match your man.  Then add up his score and follow the instructions.

Don’t be surprised if you notice a few warning signs from previous columns.  I once heard that an adult has to hear something repeated seven times before it becomes permanently etched in the brain.  For all those BP’s out there:  You must repeat it before you beat it.

The Douchebag Quiz

  • Do Most Of His Exes Hate Him?

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, “There’s a reason for this.  Whatever he did to them, he’ll do it to you.” 

  • Is He Over 30 And Still Living At Home?

This ain’t Europe.  If he’s 36 years old and still living with mom and dad, then you’ll be next to support this scrub (According to TLC: A scrub is a guy that thinks he’s fly and is also known as a buster.  He’s always talkin’ about what he wants and just sits on his broke ass.)

  • Does He Brag About Deals That He’s Working On, But The Only Status Update You See Is On His Facebook Every Hour?

Dude is either Mark Zuckerberg or he’s up to nada.  

  • Is There A Warzone Under His Bed Or In His Closet? 

If he’s a pig all the time, then skip this question.  This is meant for those guys that are meticulous on the outside, but their little dark corners are in chaos.  Dirty underwear isn’t all this guy is hiding.

  • Is He 30 Or Older and Still Wearing T-Shirts With Skulls & Dragons On Them?

First off, this trend is over.  It’s time to be an adult and dress like one. 

  • Did He Cheat On Previous Girlfriends?

There’s nothing worse than a guy that doesn’t have the balls to break up with a woman first.  It’s not your job to help stop a cheater from cheating.

  • Is His Lambo a Lease?

Papi’s priorities are mixed up.  He’s more concerned with impressing other people rather than what’s in his bank account.

  • Is He Overly Concerned With His Appearance?

If he takes longer than you to get ready, this is a problem.  He barely likes himself, so why would he like you?  Soon he’ll start commenting on your love handles. 

  • Does He Treat His Mother Poorly?

How he treats his mom is how he’ll treat you.  If he hates his mother, he hates all women.  No exceptions! 


1-2 Give the guy a break.

3-5 Kick him to the curb.  He’s more trouble than he’s worth.

6 or more.  Run, Don’t Walk.  He’s A Total Douchebag!         

Luck & Love,



Filed under Ask Toni

5 responses to “The Modern Douchebag Quiz

  1. TLS

    TLC (no relation to TLS) sang No Scrubs, not Beyonce. And it was written by Kandi, one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

    My work here is done.

  2. Toni

    Mike-Thanks for the support!

  3. Cherita

    I am passing this on to my two single daughters. Great advice Toni.

  4. Toni

    Cherita–Thanks for passing the word on. Enjoy your Memorial Day Weekend!

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