by Steven Doyle
We recently found a press release in our spam file at CraveDFW announcing Mario Batali’s new television program The Chew. It would appear that the chef program will feature Batali and a few other personalities set in a round table discussion in a View-like fashion. This program is very much real and replaces long-running soaps “All My Children” and “One Life to Live.”
The ABC plot to include chefs in regular programming to capture the growing food-watching and obsessed audience derived from the variety of food networks that are becoming ever more popular and part of our everyday vernacular. This coming off the successful heels of the ever-so-wacky Guy Fieri and his network game show called Minute to Win It on NBC.
In this vein the Crave staff assembled over cold bagels and even colder java to create some ideas to pitch to the various networks to replace existing or past programs. Here is what we came up with in the very short meeting:
M*A*S*H*E*D: A spin off of the Korean war themed series from the 1970’s that showcases Andrew Zimmern and Adam Richman as bumbling Army chefs who will cook anything to feed their war-ravaged unit. No ingredient is too wacky for their troops who will dine on a variety of insects and disemboweled varmints.
The Lovely Lakshimi
30 Rock Shrimp: A silly show-within-a-show that features current Food Network talent in a mock behind the scenes look at how the network is run. Common to the weekly program will be sexy food fights between Padma Lakshmi and Nigella Lawson. Bobby Flay will play the network page who creates his own program each week but is rejected by network president played by Anthony Bourdain.
Who is Paula Deen Eating This Week?
How I Ate Your Mother: Paula Deen plays cannibalistic serial killer who is creative in the way she cooks her victims each week, using copious amounts of butter and cream. The laughter never stops as she uses her southern drawl to charm audiences while serving up top celebrities each week.
The Biggest Foodie Loser: Rachael Ray plays host to the program that pokes fun at large chefs as they compete each week in dexterous chef skills such as running pot roasts up twenty flights of stairs or delivering bad Chinese take-out on a bicycle across New York City. The first episode shows Mario Batali racing Emeril Lagasse on foot across a gorge of crème fraiche with the winner taking home a month’s supply of pork belly.
Biggest Foodie Loser
Gilligan’s Kitchen Island: A group of chefs are stranded on a deserted island after encountering a storm at sea while on a gourmet cruise. Bobby Flay plays the loveable Gilligan who hits trouble each week. The Skipper is played by Tom Colicchio, and the coconut cream pie baking Mary Ann is played by Giada de Laurentiis. Alton Brown takes on the role of the Professor who attempts to create a new food group each week through the miracle of molecular gastronomy.
Love it! Too freakin’funny!
That sounds a lot better than a lot of the junk on TV!