The Modern 1-3 Month Rule


 I’m 37 years old and still looking for Mr. Right.  I first started having sex at 18 years old, and after reaching thirty men, I stopped keeping count.  It doesn’t seem to be a problem with guys my age, but I’m beginning to feel used up.  I’m not at the point where I want to remain celibate until marriage, but I don’t want to keep having sex and getting nowhere.  Any suggestions? 

Oversexed Sara


I hear this from so many women, and because of that, I have split women into two categories: the modern-sex woman and the traditional-sex woman.  Mind you, some women are neither, and some women are a combination of both.  You have to know which one you are first, in order to see which rules apply to you. 

The modern-sex woman enjoys having sex without a commitment.  She has just as much sex drive as a man, and is just as independent.  So what’s wrong if she wants to go out and have some fun like most men do?  Nothing.   Traditional dating rules don’t apply to her, and neither does the ancient double standard. 

Sara, you seem more like a traditional-sex woman.  This woman enjoys the security of a monogamous relationship.  But being a traditional-sex woman in the modern dating world is hard. 

The typical single woman meets a guy, and after a week of hanging out or on the third date, sex happens.  A month later, the relationship doesn’t work out.  Then three or four months after that, she meets another guy, and repeats the process.  After so many years of doing this, the amount of sexual partners reaches the double digits.  She never intended for this to happen, but it did.

Here’s why: Men need to make love in order to feel love, and women (traditional-sex women) need to feel love in order to make love.

Early into the relationship, the man wants to have sex to see if he likes the woman.  The traditional-sex woman might not feel ready, but she talks herself into it, “he must really like me.”  The modern-sex woman doesn’t form an emotional attachment, but the traditional-sex woman does.

For the traditional-sex woman, I recommend the 1-3 month rule:  When you first start dating someone, wait 1-3 months before having sex.  Most relationships don’t last that long anyway.  During that time, get to know each other, see if there’s a connection, and make sure you want the same things in life.  Then, when you’re ready–have sex.  He’ll have more respect for you, and you’ll have more respect for yourself.

Be careful not to dangle sex over a man, because that never works either.  Unless you do flips for Cirque du Soleil, he’s going to be disappointed after all the build up you created. 

Any worthwhile guy will wait.  But remember, just because a guy shows interest, doesn’t mean you need to share your DNA with him.  Keep some for yourself.

Luck & Love,



Filed under Ask Toni, Crave

7 responses to “The Modern 1-3 Month Rule

  1. Male Stereotype

    It’s incredible how female sexuality is this complex and diverse thing that needs two and a half paragraphs to explain but male sexuality can be generalized into half a glib sentence.

    Sara, if you think you’re having too much sex then have less sex. Any guy who breaks up with you because sex isn’t involved in the relationship isn’t Mr. Right and good riddance.

    Some guys need to make love to feel love. Some guys need to feel love to make love. Some guys **** their wives but will never make love. Some guys only make love to other guys. Some guys make love to inanimate objects. Some guys make love with several people. Some guys make love with several people at the same time.

    Every guy poops.

  2. CD

    This is the best article yet and lays things out clearly and simply. As for Male Stereotype’s response . . . sadly, he’s absolutely correct – he IS the male stereotype. Enough said. Keep up the great advice, Toni!

  3. Toni

    CD–Thanks for the support!!!!
    L&L toni

  4. Hey! Great advice. I don’t know where MS got the idea that you were summarizing male sexuality into one sentence. I take back that I said anything in agreement with this guy – he may have had a point but he lost it by stating it in such a tactless way… This advice was specific for a particular woman and was not meant to encapsulate ALL human sexuality…

    I appreciate how you didn’t have a “bad guy” in your advice. In so much advice these days, either the women or the men are the “bad guys.” Refreshing…

  5. Toni

    Charles–excited to see you up in all the action!!! MS sounds a bit disgruntled. Wonder which one applies to him…needs love? needs inanimate objects? needs orgies? I see Starbucks-relationship-discussion groups becoming a new trend?!

  6. Charles

    Hey! Not sure if he is “disgruntled” or “gruntled” but he was definitely trolling. Baiting might be a better word – in fact, I think he was quite a master at it…


    I can see the Starbucks-relationship-discussion group trend going BIG – I mean HUGE!!! – when should we hold the next session?

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