The Modern 1-3 Month Rule

Toni,

 I’m 37 years old and still looking for Mr. Right.  I first started having sex at 18 years old, and after reaching thirty men, I stopped keeping count.  It doesn’t seem to be a problem with guys my age, but I’m beginning to feel used up.  I’m not at the point where I want to remain celibate until marriage, but I don’t want to keep having sex and getting nowhere.  Any suggestions? 

Oversexed Sara

 Sara,

I hear this from so many women, and because of that, I have split women into two categories: the modern-sex woman and the traditional-sex woman.  Mind you, some women are neither, and some women are a combination of both.  You have to know which one you are first, in order to see which rules apply to you. 

The modern-sex woman enjoys having sex without a commitment.  She has just as much sex drive as a man, and is just as independent.  So what’s wrong if she wants to go out and have some fun like most men do?  Nothing.   Traditional dating rules don’t apply to her, and neither does the ancient double standard. 

Sara, you seem more like a traditional-sex woman.  This woman enjoys the security of a monogamous relationship.  But being a traditional-sex woman in the modern dating world is hard. 

The typical single woman meets a guy, and after a week of hanging out or on the third date, sex happens.  A month later, the relationship doesn’t work out.  Then three or four months after that, she meets another guy, and repeats the process.  After so many years of doing this, the amount of sexual partners reaches the double digits.  She never intended for this to happen, but it did.

Here’s why: Men need to make love in order to feel love, and women (traditional-sex women) need to feel love in order to make love.

Early into the relationship, the man wants to have sex to see if he likes the woman.  The traditional-sex woman might not feel ready, but she talks herself into it, “he must really like me.”  The modern-sex woman doesn’t form an emotional attachment, but the traditional-sex woman does.

For the traditional-sex woman, I recommend the 1-3 month rule:  When you first start dating someone, wait 1-3 months before having sex.  Most relationships don’t last that long anyway.  During that time, get to know each other, see if there’s a connection, and make sure you want the same things in life.  Then, when you’re ready–have sex.  He’ll have more respect for you, and you’ll have more respect for yourself.

Be careful not to dangle sex over a man, because that never works either.  Unless you do flips for Cirque du Soleil, he’s going to be disappointed after all the build up you created. 

Any worthwhile guy will wait.  But remember, just because a guy shows interest, doesn’t mean you need to share your DNA with him.  Keep some for yourself.

Luck & Love,

Toni